Becoming an Adult- making friends
So I don’t even know where to start with this post. Since it will appear on the website, I do not know when it will be available to the public. But let’s talk about not having friends. That’s a fun topic, right?
It was a constant presence, lurking in the shadows of my life, but I always kept it at bay. Honestly, even writing it out, I still don’t want to acknowledge it. But after my latest therapy session, I found out how uncomfortable I was when it came out of my mouth. I can still remember the sensation of puking I felt after saying it. There was a heaviness in my eyes, as if the weight of the water I was trying to hold back burdened them.
“Living is no different from being dead if you're all alone,” Death Stranding.
It was uncomfortable, very uncomfortable. I'm still trying to put it into words as I write this down. I'm noticing this has been going on with many people. If I type this up on YouTube, a thread of videos pop up. How did we get here? How did we go from talking to someone thousands of miles away to still having this overbearing sense of loneliness?
It made me reflect on the past and on my past friendships and how some of them had meaning in them, but some of them were completely empty. Some of them were a complete waste of time. Even going from job to job, you can tell how different people are nowadays. Especially in my area, people usually just go out drinking, partying or on the other side playing video games and staying online. It is rare for me to talk to another individual who doesn't have a social media presence. Besides me and my therapist, everyone still has either a Facebook, Instagram or Snapchat. Even if they say they don't use it, they're still on it.
So where do I go from this? Honestly, this blog piece does not aim to be a definitive essay on solving loneliness. It's kind of my journal to put out there to explain my thoughts about this and to vomit out my frustrations. And what I've been thinking lately and how this therapy session really brought something out. It really made me look at myself in a different light.
I want to clarify that my loneliness is not a result of my choice or lack of friends. It is my belief that nobody willingly opts for that option. One cannot underestimate the possibility of drifting apart from high school friends over time or undergoing such immense personal growth that they become an entirely different person. Then go to college and make some new friends or you can drift apart. In my case, I moved from job to job then place to place, always trying to increase my income or make it as a full-time author. Looking back, I went through a lot of different coworkers. Even when I had social media, there was not really much back-and-forth. There was a continuous occurrence of liking or commenting on a post.
“I’m lost…I’m lost in the dark drowning.. I’m drowning there’s no way out.” Alan wake 2.
Some coworkers I spent time with outside of work turned into close friends and even ended up becoming my roommates. Eventually we parted ways and I'm not mad that we did. It's just sad though. It’s strange how difficult it can be to form connections, even though it shouldn’t be. However, the more I observe and explore on YouTube, the more I notice an increasing number of individuals feeling lonely and struggling to find friends.
Looking back, I realize that the short time I spent with those coworkers was valuable, but our fundamental differences would have eventually driven us apart. Let me clarify that although I may not be changing my approach, my dedication to becoming a creator and author remains unwavering. Among us coworkers, there was a lack of motivation to workout or pursue personal side hustles. It was something that distinguished me from others. Sometimes becoming different in ways like this is inevitable. This has ultimately resulted in me having a complete absence of friends. I wish I had at least one coworker to join me at the gym. I had one before, but it only lasted for a couple of weeks. It sucks. It really does. You know you're going into the gym and seeing maybe two or three people that know each other coming into groups, and it just seems nice.
This problem brought me to this place. The problem lies in deciding which direction to move forward. How do I go forward? Even now, when I think about that therapy session, I can still remember feeling uncomfortable with admitting it and quite bewildered. My mind, consumed with thoughts of my career, income, and finding a new place to live, completely disregarding the potential danger of falling back into the loneliness and depression I once felt in the city.
When I lived in the city, I would frequently spend time with different coworkers. Being alone in an apartment can be a lonely experience, you know. Working, paying bills, and socializing with coworkers was enjoyable, but I couldn’t ignore the underlying loneliness that crept in when I returned home. This feeling was especially noticeable in the second apartment. Since it was my first time moving out, I was naturally excited to be on my own, away from my family. I was also juggling both work and school. I had a significant group of friends around me, but I started feeling lonely after I finished school and changed jobs. My day comprised long 12-hour shifts, interacting with both friendly and distant individuals, and reconnecting with relatives, including those I had never met before, through Ancestry website. On my days off, I often felt completely isolated and relying more on my family for companionship instead of socializing or making new friends.
After that, a family member moved back home, and I slowly lost touch with the others who lived far away. I had maybe 6 months just by myself moving from a two bedroom to a one bedroom. And it was nice. You know I had everything I needed, especially more than when I had a studio back at my first apartment. In fact, I had not just a decent couch, but also a nice bed and even a little area where I could throw my weights up. It was nearly flawless, but I couldn’t write anything, as I’ve mentioned countless times. Regrettably, I relied heavily on therapy as my only outlet for sharing my thoughts and feeling a sense of companionship. I experienced a deep sense of loneliness. I experimented with going out to the movies and Barnes & Noble, but neither option proved too effective.
Despite asking my coworkers from my local job if they wanted to do anything, none of them expressed interest. As a result, I felt even lonelier when I discovered more things to do in the city and had to do them by myself. I don’t regret doing half of those activities or exploring different parts of Arizona, but the solitude that comes with having no one else to share it with can be quite isolating. Once I fell ill and faced the unfortunate situation of losing my apartment, I made my way back home. Surprisingly, I didn’t feel too downcast about it because I had already planned to move back home later in that year. I felt satisfied with everything I accomplished in the city, but now I long to be reunited with my family and escape to a smaller area to find clarity and focus on my writing. But I'm glad I still kept up my therapy. Being back at home allows me to tackle the projects I’ve been wanting to release and give myself the space to address uncomfortable topics.
“Are You ready To Be an adult?”
My therapist’s words initially puzzled me; I had mistakenly believed they implied that pursuing authorship was a childish aspiration. But it wasn’t about that. Originally, I planned to quit my job, take out a loan, and focus solely on my writing, but my therapist made me see the reality of that idea. It had nothing to do with my job occupation, but it showed me the reality of how much I interact with people and how I just have no friends. My plan only included my finances and promoting my work, without considering my circle of people around me. All of my friends have disappeared, leaving me with no one. My family is here, but they come with complications. I don’t think I have a support system that can get me out of those dark thoughts. With the few remaining friends I had, I tried opening up or reaching at them at my lowest, but no one reached back.
Now I see what my therapist meant. I already have a detached perspective on people and dating. If I were to withdraw completely from others and focus only on my writing, I shudder to think about where I would be without my therapist. Life is already lonely. Why is it so easy to hurt someone but so hard to build connections? Humans are weird beings. We can’t deny our social nature; as much as we might wish to be independent, we still rely on others. So my therapist has suggested I find programs more centered towards hobbies that I like. At this moment, writing is my chosen activity.
“Just doing my Bi-Monthly mental health check in for you, bro. "
I’m done…I’m done with these estranged messages or collecting numbers of people that have forgotten about me. It’s okay. It’s been ages since we’ve both changed. There’s no need for me to revive old connections that have faded away. I’m going to reset my phone and keep only work, family, therapy, etc. And start over. For so long, I thought of myself as antisocial, but I wasn’t. I used to be the person who would visit friends’ houses after high school, go out for drinks with coworkers after work, and make plans to meet up with college friends after class. However, none of them truly aligned with my personality.
It’s great that they all found their social groups and people who truly understand them, and I’m happy I got to witness a glimpse of that. However, I am now ready to discover my group or, as my therapist phrased it, find at least one person. I’m not against making friends, but now I’m more aware of the type of people I want to be around.
You don’t have to be entirely by yourself; having a friend, family member, or pet can provide companionship. Humans require connection to thrive. So don’t give up, I definitely won’t. Maybe if I’m lucky, I can make friends with an artist. Thanks for reading, till next time.
