The Month of Love and Thoughts
So the channel is out, I’m proud of myself, it took me so long to throw something together. It’s fun and different. I’m still figuring out what the content will be, but that’s the best part of it. Similar to getting out of high school and figuring out what career you’re trying to major in.
I’m going to use this entire year to figure it out. First, I was doing Vlog’s, but that’s not as fun as I thought it would be, so I’m going to give storytelling another try. Narrations were my one genuine passion. I was just always afraid of the editing part of that. I always thought I needed to have my videos pop out, but after doing a couple of vlogs and comparing it to this blog. Maybe it’s okay to keep figuring it out until you find something that sticks. And while mentioning the blog, both it and the YouTube will make a complete switch. These will be more personal and longer filling pieces than what I’ve put up in the past.
So these will be long personal Blog’s that I can just express myself better. I’ve always been able to express myself with typed words than me talking or recording myself. I’ll admit, though, it’s still fun to be directing videos, but I don’t think I’ve got a good eye for cinematography.
I Got This..... For Real
This time I think I know what I want, these blog’s will be once a month giving my thoughts of the entire month. It’s freaking perfect because I can just throw everything down and blow this thing up to like a thirty minute readable blog. Well, maybe not that long, but you get the Gist. At first it may seem like it was like that in the first place, but it wasn’t when I started out, I was only expecting to talk about different media talking about mental health and illness and just explain my interest in them. But the more I look at it now, things like my thought pieces or updates about myself started filling up the page. It’s time to switch things up and make YouTube stories once more. February starts with a thought-out story, adding chapters and appearing at month’s end. I’m freaking happy that this works. Surprisingly, I now have a blog and a YouTube Channel, showing off my consistency.
The only thing I will add or say about the YouTube is I’m working on my first story now and I’m hyped whether it’s three or two minutes I’m throwing up something next week, Lets Go!!!!
What’s been happening...
It’s been a pretty tame month, to be honest. I’ve been talking to a few coworkers about my blog, haven’t been to therapy for some time either. It’s been pretty busy. I’ve been switching things to hobbies only. Like my artwork, I’ve barely touched a drawing. I think with drawing and recording; I was testing the waters of what I want to do and what I thought I could add to the roster of my website. But no, I am not as passionate about them as I am about writing. I think I was getting overwhelmed with all the things I could create and turn into a business. It burnt me out in the end and I got nothing done because of it.
A lot got cut out that didn’t fit me. T-shirts, posters, shows, movies, comics. A lot was just a bloated mess that was going nowhere. But I am glad I at least shuffled through different things to see what works and what doesn’t. To be honest, I spent my whole twenties figuring out what it meant to be an author and an entrepreneur in this day and age. I’ve been involved in various ventures like Twitch, a T-shirt business, multiple YouTube channels, pursuing a degree, creating a publishing company, developing a video game, and trying my hand at art. Now, it’s time to leverage that knowledge and start making progress.
So, I’ve been cleaning up emails, reminding myself of ideas that didn’t work and backing up documents on a hard drive while becoming cleaner, organized and clearer in the future. Despite my 9-5 job, I enjoy working in the group home field. Currently, I am searching for retirement homes to work for. I find fulfillment in taking care of people and knowing that I am making a difference. Plus, I have enough time to pursue my passion for writing, which is wonderful. Knowing myself, I wouldn’t be this happy working some trashy ass grocery store hearing entitled customers bitch at me every two seconds. For real, I have to say if you ever have that one job you despise, just walk out of it and find something that you deserve. It’s not worth feeling like shit every day and being constantly expected to perform at your best. I recommend everyone experience a walkout at least once. It can be incredibly empowering. Words can’t do it justice. Time moves fast, so why waste time on something that you not only hate but is actively wasting your time and losing your money over?
The Dating Game
Both my therapist and friend have suggested that I should date, and I hate it, but I know I should try too. It's hard trying to form a connection. Rejection has always been easy for me. The hard part is them saying yes, then I'm left with a blank expression and a ticking time bomb of how fast this relationship will fizzle out. It's aggravating. Dating gets harder as time goes on and the digital world grows. Relationships are rare, but I think this year I might try again. I'm not opposed to dating. I've just gotten so comfortable with my solitude that now it's gotten harder to tear down the walls for someone else. But I'm hopeful. I've never been much of a hopeless romantic type, hell I can't even name off a good romance scene, but it's always best to get outside of your comfort zone. You never know what might happen.
Anything Else...
Other than that, my goal is to gain some subscribers and supporters for my blog. The more focused and motivated I get for these platforms, the less trouble I get into. I think I got the system down correctly, I'll still keep the same back and forth routine. I think I will stop being a director and instead focus on writing and learning art. Art is something that I don't mind turning into a hobby. I am not competitive with it; I just want to have fun with writing again. As you get older, hobbies become work and you can just fall out of love with it. That's kind of what happened with writing but now since a few platforms have formed and I've gotten to try out everything that I was curious about now I want to have fun with my writing and to not take it to serious anymore, as I write this it feels like I'm dusting off an old table in my brain.
Finding Poetry through Heartbreak
This piece really came out of nowhere to be honest, but hey this will be another therapeutic one (Yay). The only thing I really want to discuss is heartbreak. I don’t care if you’re a female or Male heartbreak hurts for anyone. I can’t claim to know how everyone processes it, but I can imagine it is painful. Someone you put time into makes you think that someone is finally understanding who you are as an individual. They get you to open up more about yourself, and treat you better than you treat yourself, and then it’s over.
Initially, this blog post was going to be a blend of emotions being thrown against the wall, but it has changed. Its focus will still be on heartbreak, but not as painful as I thought it was. But I don’t want to sound like I’m against love or anything. Honestly, this is probably the first time I think I felt this good about someone. It’s strange to admit that. To admit, not every woman thinks you're ugly. Whatever my trauma was, it has caused me to paint everyone (especially woman) as the enemy. But it’s over.
I would rather to experience something even if I know that there is an expiration date than it not to exist. How will I grow as a person without some pain?
It was full of communication and trust from start to finish. I have never had that. I’ve never had someone check up on me. The search for Love is cold and harsh. It’s hard to find someone and fully connect, trust and to open up with. With this it felt so natural, it’s too early to say love, but there were some genuine emotions there for this girl. Both of us are awkward and in our own heads too much, having to spell out whatever where not communicating too well. It was great but short and when the expiration date came up; it felt like we really didn’t know how to explain it or end it. So there was a lot of miscommunication and anxiety towards each other. The biggest thing I tell everyone, is to learn to manage your emotions, constructively and healthily. If you need to cry, then cry. If you're laying in bed all day, try to at least do something productive. Being inside your own head is torture and will get you to overthink more. Stay away from the booze or any drug. It may seem like a quick fix to numb the pain, but it’s not. It’s better to confront it head on.
I’ll admit, I’ve been moping around, just slumped about it. It really sucks I put in so much and that’s something I can still be proud about that. After a breakup you think to yourself what’s wrong with me, and sometimes it’s not you. I think in this situation; I did everything I could. It bums me out, but this is actually a good thing. It gives me time to improve on myself.
It’s best to get through a heartbreak or a breakup as natural as possible. To let everything flush out and to take time for yourself as long as possible. This process got me into reading poems. I’m not even a huge poem guy, but I found a few I like, especially by this author, Makenzie Campbell. Currently, I’m reading Rooms of the Mind and damn do I love it. Going through the different stages of her break up, it’s so freaking cathartic for me. I like the idea of these different rooms being part of your brain and taking some pages to express yourself and I should be on the last one, but this book has helped me through the worst of it, just reading someone’s else heartbreak and having a few lines stand out to me, really keeps me grounded and reminds me to remember it’s okay to miss someone you care about, it’s okay to be a freaking human being and cry it out, and it’s also okay to work on moving on too.
With me, I’ve shed some tears, I’ve read a few sad poems and have splurged on romance movies, been busy with working out and have slowly started writing again. It’s amazing how some poems can really strike a nerve with you, going through Rooms of the mind, kept my mind at ease, it’s crazy I’m not even a huge poet let alone reading about heartbreak but sometimes you can just find different things about yourself at the most random moments. I’ll share a link with it at the end of this post.
I’m on the last portion of it named In hope. This is kind of the spot where I am hoping the poem book ends.
This experience has contributed to my personal development, albeit not entirely. I feel that I now have a better sense of the direction I should take. But for now, I don’t think I will date or fool around until after I can get my trauma healed because there are a lot more things coming out of this that I need to work on. But now I know what qualities I’m looking for and (yes) that I fall in love fast...so no more friends with benefits. Something more long term, so yeah I just love when I come clean and just open up about personal stuff like this.
I really enjoy telling you guys things like this, it helps me in more ways than one, and hopefully I can help someone construct their emotions healthily so fewer people can get hurt and if you're ever going through a heartbreak, just read up on this maybe this will get across and help some people, we all go through heartbreak and break-ups it’s a part of life. It happens and there’s nothing you can really do about it, but you can do something about how you respond to it, till next time!!!
Link to the Novel- https://www.amazon.com/Rooms-Mind-Poems-Makenzie-Campbell/dp/1771682493
