My Thoughts- Old Post Pt. 2

March 22, 2023

So it’s that time again when I spill out my thoughts again. Well, it’s been a month since I left my job and now I’m returning to it. I thought I would feel like a failure, but I don’t; DoorDash wasn’t a thing for me. However, I realized I was wasting time by blaming external factors for my lack of productivity.

This post will be a reminder to stay on track. If I am being completely honest with myself, I have to admit that I possess a great deal of artistic talent but struggle tremendously with many other endeavors I attempt. And that’s okay. It may sound like I’m bullying myself, but that’s not the case; I want to write all my faults and return to this as a reminder whenever I’m veering off track. Stagnating in one spot is just sickening, ready to break out of this endless loop. Besides writing, I have a strong desire to explore various other creative pursuits, such as drawing, video editing, screenwriting, and possibly even animation. I just haven’t brought that first step out of me, so now I’m holding myself accountable.

I want to tell myself that it’s okay if it’s a mess, if it isn’t professional at first, and no one in the history of anything has made a perfect piece on the first try. It’s okay to steer off the subject a little to find that you like something better or experiment with it. This high pedestal I’ve put myself on needs to come off. And most importantly, I need to stop rushing; that has always been an issue. If I don’t complete it in a week, then it’s over for me, then I get envious of other people’s work and wish it to be me. Enough of that mindset; it’s time to bring everyone into my world.

Like this post, I’m putting up on the Blog. I thought my blogs needed to be hour-long essays, but no, they might be 30-minute reads or 1-minute reads. Yeah, this is another glimpse into my head; this world I’m creating will be messy, but please be patient and enjoy what I offer.

May 17, 2023

Come on now, we know what time it is. A few points I brought up about delivering were being lazy and unmotivated and so I went back to the grocery store I worked at. Which was a bad idea in hindsight, but I am glad I did it. Because for the first time in life, I took charge. I hate when a job claims they are low on hours, but then does a 180 and expects you to work seven days a week and now for two departments, yeah, no! Approximately four days had passed and I had been working tirelessly, so I left. People endure so much at low-paying grocery jobs, believing they’re superior. An older boss wanted me to come in on my only day off, which annoyed me. He wanted me on my only day off, despite my six-day schedule. I was furious, but not finished. I expected to be paid the following day, but then I remembered that payment got delayed until after orientation. Without a paycheck and a bad start to the week, I walked in and contemplated returning. Granted, I had never left a job without leaving two weeks in advanced but the world has weird ways of letting you know what path you should be on and the right YouTube video came on the night before and it came at the perfect time. I swallowed what dignity I had and left that job. Let me tell you, it was the most gratifying thing in my whole life. To take your life back and to dip out on an underpaid, under appreciated job is the best feeling ever. It has been approximately two months and I do not regret it, not one bit. They say insanity is repeating the same thing over expecting the same results and that day I felt like I broke the mold of who I originally was.

So this goes into where I work at now. It’s weird. I feel like the stars align when you need them to the most. I am currently employed at a group home, where my responsibilities involve caring for individuals with mental illness and those in recovery from addiction and alcoholism. In all honesty, I did not know if I would be capable of succeeding in something of this nature. I have learned the lesson of not allowing myself to become too emotionally involved with the members of this group, as their constant rotation makes it difficult to form lasting connections. But these people are still human. Some of these individuals made unfortunate decisions, while others grew up in unfavorable circumstances. They just need some guidance and support to help them through the process of recovery. Sometimes that might not be enough, but it’s worth trying for. And so I enjoy it. It is unfortunate that some coworkers take advantage of the ease of the situation and become lazy; however, it is important to note that changing such behavior does not happen overnight. It has been three weeks and I enjoy it. I feel like I am helping someone, like improving someone’s life, not finding some product on aisle 5. It feels great, and it has helped me try to investigate how to bring natural representation of mental illness, trauma, and or drug recovering people into my fiction. By striving for realism, maybe people will develop a greater understanding and empathy towards them.

The most exciting thing is that I have been writing a lot, it is baffling how much I have written lately. God, it has been therapeutic. I feel like I let go of all the locks I set for myself. This is probably the most clear I have felt my whole life. It does not matter if this is not perfect. Always remember that if you are thinking of creating any type of art. It has been so baffling. I have created a new type of horror short for YouTube, also continuing stories I put down are being recreated and the blog has been slightly consistent. I am proud of myself. It has been a very busy beginning of the year. And this will probably be the last blog post to an empty audience. That is something that terrifies me, I mean it probably terrifies everyone to just release your thoughts out onto the world. Especially if you have spent so much time by yourself birthing these works. I have worked on poems, short stories, YouTube stories, potential future novels. I do not know what jump started this, but I magically found the discipline to continue this and to allow myself to make many mistakes. Even as I write this, there are still errors in this (thank god for editing).

The start is the hardest thing to do, especially with creating a story. First, this blog has led me to where I am now, and I couldn’t be happier about it. Twenty something posts may not be much but for me, it is an enormous achievement. I am slowly birthing my world. Plus, I love these thought pieces; I get to just unwind from my fiction and reviews to just share what is going on in my head, and writing out your thoughts is such a healthy way to express yourself.

So I am hoping at the end of this year I can have a couple videos up and an audience that reads these. I do not want to delete any old post, even if it is cringe. I want to see my previous footprints and to see how far I have come doing this. Maybe next I will work on consistency better. And that is about everything I have to share right now, theirs a few indie games dealing with depression and psychosis. I want to word vomit on, so stay tuned to that and, of course, thanks for the read till next time!

July 26, 2023

Man, I don’t really know how to start this, well health wise, I have been pretty good. Mentally, though, depression has come and go and I recently went back to therapy. It’s been about six months. It’s wild how fast time goes. Sincerely, I believe this will be my last therapy session, yet my therapist has a greater understanding of me than I have of myself. Sometimes I get buried in my own thoughts and I’m just ready to shut myself out of the world. I have not been in the mood to even write and I have a ton of story ideas I want to throw up. Depression feels like such a cruel thing to have. It is like a solid glass wall that separates you from achieving your goals, finding happiness, and being close to the people you love. I produced some YouTube shorts but trashed them. It might have been premature to do it, but I just didn’t think people would catch onto the idea, so I scrapped it. All I can say is, at least I’m physically throwing something at the wall this time. I swear this blog post started back in October and I kept telling myself that I was going to put something up. I finally do it, then erase it. It’s funny how the mind works. The Blog seems to be the only thing that is consistent. This thought post is going to be a bit more depressive, just the type of head space I’m in right now. However, these tools are truly helpful in facilitating the visualization of one’s thoughts.

So let’s see where I want to take this post. Honestly, I say let’s make it just messy because that’s how my head’s been lately. I don’t know, some days, the depression just lingers like an obsessive ex. You’re not alone in this, you’ll make it through. We all are. I don’t know your circumstance but I know whoever you are, you’re a fucking healthy person, trust me. Another thought I tell myself constantly, it’s hard when you’re thrown a bubble of insults to yourself every day. I get so paranoid at everyone, including myself, to where my anxiety can keep me up at night and give me panic attacks at night, but I keep going. This race we call life is not over yet. If I can keep going day after day, then so can you. Like I said, this blog post was going to be a mishmash of things.

My therapist informed me to write a list of things that give me these attacks, that get me into these types of moods, easier said than done. I tried to list everything, but my mind went blank. I’m not sure what caused it. But as these days go by, I increase the list of things before my next shift hits next month. It’s become eye opening before in Phoenix. I could never sit down and reflect on what my movements were, since living in the city solo, it was just grinding 24/7. Reflecting on my behavior, I realize that my struggles with depression and the functioning of my brain handled many of the negative things I attributed to laziness. I lacked the same level of knowledge as others.

An important word I found was Anhedonia, which is not feeling any pleasure or motivation towards the things that you like doing. It is very common for people to consider themselves lazy while having this. It also came up in a few google searches. They see anhedonia in people that have depression, schizophrenia, etc. I’m not claiming I’m an expert and know if I have something like this, but it feels familiar to me. Throughout my life to now, I had no explanation for just not wanting to do anything. Even getting up to go to the store was a hassle. Video games don’t feel as good as before, because of YouTube, but my lack of motivation is also a big problem. I often scolded myself for being lazy, but I never considered that depression could be the cause.

I’m seeking my therapist’s advice on treatments, such as EMDR therapy, to see what’s happening with my brain. It irritates me. I’m so far behind. It just feels pretty good to vent it out, and I am not giving up on myself. I want to dissect this issue and see what can be done with it. A part of me wants to try antidepressants, but I’m on the fence if that will even help.

If you’re reading this, know if you ever felt like the problems keep piling on, then comment here and talk about it. It get’s hard not knowing how your brain functions, but even at my worst I want to say you’re not alone and we are all going to get through this one way. We got to create a better bridge for the future generations and in the future people will have more answers about mental illness going forward, till then. Thanks for reading till next time.

PS- I’ve added rain sounds into my Spotify. At first it was for sleeping but now I’m trying it for anxiety attacks or whatever situation I’m in that is making me uncomfortable. So now I try to just put it on to calm my nerves down for two days now. It helps. In my next thought piece, I will add in updates to see if it’s still helping me. It’s too early to say if it will be something that’s helpful in the future.

September 01, 2023

Well, I’ve been back and forth lately. Some things have been going pretty good like these blog posts, but things like the YouTube haven’t really taken shape yet. I have set a deadline for myself, which is October, to shift my focus from planning to actually creating. Getting caught up in overthinking and analysis paralysis can be extremely counterproductive. I want to express my strong aversion towards the idea of perfection. (Perfection can go to hell!) It seems like that is the rock that keeps me stagnated. But let’s save that for last. I think I bring up YouTube all the time through these thought pieces. For starters, how are you today? Have you been reaching your goals lately? Have you been mad at yourself? Or happy with how things have progressed lately?

Let me know in the comment section, I want to include you guys more and help talk you through any situation that’s going on. I’m not a therapist or anything, but I can listen and it helps to write out your thoughts.

So let’s see, work has been pretty good. It’s been about five months working in this group home. And I gotta say I love it, even when some days are pretty bad, or when patients give attitude, or having to work with lazy co workers. I’m fine with that. Given the circumstances, if it had been any other job, I would have likely chosen to leave. Because it involves providing support to individuals suffering from mental illness, that makes me feel at ease. The environment is calm most of the time and the people here aren’t as bad as outside people make them out to be. Anyone of us could have ended up in a place like this given the circumstances. But I am curious to experience what it would be like working at a larger facility, as the current place I am at brings me a sense of calmness and is an ideal environment for an introverted individual like myself. Confidently, I can say that I am grateful for leaving my previous job at the grocery store, as it was quite unpleasant. I don’t know how long I want to keep doing this type of work. After I get my lazy butt in gear with writing, I’ll leave, but I see nothing else unless in the same field for me to ditch it for. I even started getting rid of all my gig apps, too. It’s weird. I’m so headstrong about a job that I’m ready to leave it and its co workers without a second thought. But maybe since this is in the same field of mental illness that I can just relate to people like this a little more than mentally stable or healthy people, for now I’m trying for a year and then I will see what happens.

Next on the agenda is traveling, which I haven’t done too much of but hoping to do a bit more of before this year ends and maybe next year. This past year was mostly establishing and picking myself up from losing my apartment. It was getting rid of things that were never used; I think we can admit that we have more junk that takes up space in our life’s, whether it’s cluttered books, extra emails, old clothes, there is always something to clean up. This year has been a lifesaver in helping me achieve that, and now since I’m pretty stable, I think I’m ready to get back out there. Ready to explore my options and move out again. I’m glad I waited a year for this, because I realized I want to travel but I also want a place I can call mine and just because you're in one spot doesn’t mean you can’t travel, the main thing is finance. So I think I’ll stay in Arizona. This is my home but somewhere with trees and so, I’m going to check out some spots in November or December with a close friend of mine. It really feels good to plan again. Two years from now I will move out again, rent a house for a year and see if it works. No more apartments this time. I need my privacy. I will not be that kid that leaves home for these big city dreams, no I’m going to be the man that wants a realistic, stable life. The adult that is aware that he deserves happiness.

Let’s see, if it isn’t obvious, I recently went through a bit of heartbreak, and a few posts provide some details about it. It sucks sometimes when you realize different things about yourself. I realized that I’m not a friend with benefits type of guy, actually relationship type of person, who would have guessed. Despite my best efforts, I felt sad about the situation because I genuinely liked the girl I was involved with. It makes me excited to move forward and try out dating again. I’m curious to see where I go from here. With the help of my therapist, I’m hoping to find someone that’s an adult, and that is taking care of themselves. Too many times I hear the words I Don’t Need Therapy, which for some can be further from the truth. I’m not settling for less this time. I’m putting up some boundaries. Therapy is a huge thing for me, and I’m not saying everyone needs it, but in my experience it would help. It can be hard during this age of social media and dating apps, but I have hope.

What else do I want to get into? I want to make these thought pieces extra long.

Let’s finish this second half with Therapy, which has been pretty good, but I need to get back to my weekly sessions to complete my EMDR. I’ll admit, I’ve been pretty lazy on changing insurances and adulting, but I realize now that I need to get back on it before I have another episode. I’m pretty thankful to still have my therapist for three years. It’s pretty tough out there trying to find a good one... not only a good one, but someone who can match your situation and sort of relate to it.

Next reading and writing have been improving. For example, this year has probably been the most productive time for me to write than any other year in my life. I’ve been having so much fun letting my thoughts flow through all these pages of words. This year I promised myself that I was done with notebooks and preferred to keep everything digital and that was honestly the best decision I made, because I have eagerly been on my laptop everyday writing something down, whether it’s a blueprint for an idea, a book review, whatever comes to mind and it’s all thanks to Scrivener. At first I was so terrified of using it because it’s so much more complicated than other writing apps. But with any tool you just need to experiment with it, I’m still no expert, but I can work around it pretty well. It’s so fun to use, if your into puzzle solving or just working with something that takes some time to mess around with, I definitely promote it to writers looking for a bit more variety of writing. And with reading I’ve been diving in various manga which has led to poetry and now a book based on introverts. It’s funny how things work out. I’ll be the first person to say this, but reading isn’t always fun for some people, yes that sounds weird coming from me since I love to write, but reading is pretty boring sometimes. Unless it’s something superb, then I can’t really get into it. Especially going through over a hundred pages and thirty plus characters to get through the plot. And so I started with something easy and fun, Manga. I love manga.

Manga is bombastic, with its art and plot lines. There is some unique stuff out there. It confuses me how this much creativity comes from one person.

December Update

This is an older post, but I wanted to add more to it, instead of creating a new post. I like messy shit like that, but it’s been about two months of being lazy, directionless, and just relaxed.

This will probably come out in December, so let me add to this, it’s been pretty good lately, still at the same job which has gotten better. I think on the side, being a caregiver is really my calling. They’re still some good and bad days, but other than that I don’t mind it. Plus, the schedule works out perfectly for me. It’s weird not being able to use a job as an excuse to not get my shit together anymore.

We get so comfortable blaming outside forces that after they disappear, where left with more time and empty excuses. And that’s really how it’s been lately. I’ve been in the planning process for god knows how long. Day dreaming about a future that seems to get further away.

And so I thought, why not bring this up to the therapist? You would think I would always bring up my creative endeavours towards her, but this is the first time I brought it up as an issue. Usually I’m stuck in my head plus my early trauma circles around in some type of loop (Alan wake 2 reference). I broke the loop and figured that my dream is tangible, non expensive. The time and resources are there, but it’s huge... enormous. My therapist recommended breaking it down to digestible pieces.

I didn’t realize the sheer amount of vegetation I had to clear to create a more comfortable work area. I can’t even blame myself for procrastinating so much, considering how enticing the distractions are. When I look back, I was treating myself as a workhorse. Adding more things on top of each other. Where the hell was the fun in any of this? It was a mess. On the same day, I would write, record, edit, create thumbnails, etc. for five days a week. The poor setup of the workhorse was chaotic, so I figured out what I could do and what would be better to set up in the future. I determined what needed to be attached to my website and what I could do before even creating the website. And I set up a five-year plan, including the one year of working on this blog. And I found that these three pillars that can hold me up were the blog, YouTube, and podcast, but they didn’t all need to be done in one day. I have time. So I will now only do blogs twice a month, and will let the podcast be a next year thing and will currently pour all my time into getting out some YouTube videos. The only thing I’ve been churning out are introduction videos.

If you’ve been reading through this blog for some time, you will have known I have been talking about throwing out a video for ages, so instead of promising a date, let me just say there will definitely be something that will be up. Just please be patient.

Other than that, it’s the usual things, but I’m eagerly expecting the upcoming EMDR treatment to bring some much-needed relief. I think this time I’m ready to continue my journey and to see it take off. I blamed many things for not advancing further in my career, and I couldn’t help but feel a pang of jealousy when I saw my peers progressing in their lives. But what I come to learn is that it’s okay to go at your own pace and to stumble along that journey. That doesn’t make you less of a person for it.